Welcome to Hockey Hair Day 2.
Now, you might think that the team over here in the East with the worst hair would be the Pens as they’re coming from Pittsburgh, the so-called mullet capital of the world. They are rockin’ some pretty awful hair these days, but I have to say the Washington Capitals are giving them a run for their money.
So today, y’all, I give you the East Coast Hair Throwdown. (And before you jump on me for it, I even checked other teams’ sites for some competition. They’re having some styling issues, but the Pens/Caps.. they’re just having… issues.)
The Big Names. Sidney Crosby v. Alex Ovechkin
aka Captain Greaseball v. Emo Russian
Here we have a classic hair problem, the choice of whether it’s more important to show your mastery of styling products or your trust in your barber. While Sid can see, Ovie will never leave an oil slick in your swimming pool.
Point to Ovie, for leaving some petroleum in the world.
Russian Flair. Evgeni Malkin v. Alexander Semin
As this is not the Fashion Faceoff, we can thankfully disregard Malkin’s awful coat. But it’s harder to write off the mullet that Semin is… um.. rocking? While Malkin may have a bowl cut and the sideburns that ate Manhattan, it’s not a mullet.
Point to Malkin. Even if he can’t dress himself, at least the hair is low maintenance.
The Questionable Fauxhawk: Colby Armstrong v. Mike Green
Both a bad choice, especially for picture day. Facial expressions? Even worse. However, we’ve got height on Army, while we’ve got width on Green.
Point to Green for better fauxhawk maintenance (and it not looking like his little brother did it partially drunk)
The Ridiculously Young Dude. Jordan Staal v. Nicklas Backstrom
Here we have Backstrom’s team mugshot, which he knew would get out to the public, and Staalsy’s police mugshot, which he probably hoped nobody would ever see. Here is truly the battle of the Aerodynamic Haircut (with Gel Tips from Sid) v. The Partial Fabio.
Point, Staalsy, for looking ridiculously good even in an honest to god mugshot.
Floppy Haired Ladies’ Man. Ryan Malone v. Bryan Sutherby
Wait, we were looking at hair, weren’t we?
Point to Malone for being distracting.
Final Score: Penguins 3, Capitals 2