Because the last hair faceoff was such a big hit, I figured I’d take the losers from last time and pit them against their very own feeder team, because I’m mean like that.
With that, welcome to Hockey Hair, Bears v. Caps.
The Little Scoring Machine
Nicklas Backstrom v. Chris Bourque
Hmm. Little round face? Check. Mouth partially open? Check. Awkward retro-hairstyle? Check. Here we see Backstrom with the Young Trump, while Bourque seems to be attempting the Jagr Revival Tour. The hair is pretty much equally awful, so I have a feeling it may fall to the facial hair to decide this one… Backstrom doesn’t have any (which may make the playoff beard Crosbyesque… oh wait, a Cap with a playoff beard? AH HA HA HA HAAH) but Bourque’s eyebrows look possessed. I’m waiting for them to start crawling all over his face and giving him even more interpretive mustache looks.
Winner: Backstrom. There’s always eyebrow pencil.
Used to be a Bear v. Used to be a Cap
Dave Steckel v. Ben Clymer
Hmm. This is a hard one. Very similar haircuts, very dissimilar levels of interest in what’s going on, one shows some skill with a razor, while the other shows some lack of symmetry in the bangs. Obviously, the difference between the big leagues and the minors is the amount you can afford to spend on a haircut. Sorry CapsChick.
Winner: Steckel. Not only are his bangs straight, damn, the dude’s in Air Force One.
Battle of Alberta
Matt Pettinger (Edmonton) v. Jay Beagle (Calgary)
Here is a classic battle of height v. length. While Pettinger may have to get up and spend an extra hour hogging the bathroom mirror to achieve true vertical takeoff, Beagle can roll out of bed and… well.. have his mugshot taken for all the Bears publicity this year.
However, out of the wings in this round, armed with folding chairs and swinging for Calgary’s side are also the Bears’ Tyler Sloan and Jamie Hunt.
Winner: With Beagle’s strong showing at the beginning, between the addition of Hunt’s grasp of the vertical and Sloan’s additional length, the Calgary contingent of the Bears will easily sweep this round, leaving Edmonton.. uh… crying it its oil. (Calgarian Mike Green of the Caps’ Fauxhawk Brigade declined to comment, being bitter about being faced off against Colby Armstrong in the last match.)
Grudge of the Ancient Goalies
Olie Kolzig v. Freddy Cassivi
Hmmm. Another difficult choice. Olie’s rocking the hair gel and the threatening big stick, but Freddy’s got less forehead and the creepy-don’t-want-to-meet-you-in-an-alley stubble. Both are even channeling famous old public personalities at the same time….
Winner: Cassivi, for the Elvis impression, narrowly edging out Olie doing Humphrey Bogart.
Spunky Foreign Blueliner Brawl
Milan Jurcina v. Sami Lepisto
Milan obviously spends some time on his hair, as that Backstreet Boys circa 1996 half-flop doesn’t come easy. Five dollars says he’s consciously attempting to channel Uncle Jesse from Full House and won’t let anyone touch it for the rest of the day. Sami Lepisto, on the other hand, subscribes to the Jay Beagle School of Roll Out Of Bed and Get On With The Day, but adds his own step of “whack face on something” to get the sufficiently crazy-eyed look.
Winner: Lepisto, for having hair that looks like it’s trying to escape from him. Male Medusa, anyone?
Final Point Tally:
B-E-A-R-S BEARS BEARS BEARS WOOOOO!!!!