Courtesy of the National Sports Review, I give you Why Chicks Should Be Banned From All-Star Voting by one “Den Cotton.”
Here’s his opening salvo:
As I recall, Colin (Cowherd) has spoken about the upsides — a requirement even — of having a relationship with a girl who doesn’t love sports. Now I don’t want to get Colin in too much trouble because he has a lot of smart female fans who call into his show. But I don’t want to date them, no matter how hot they are.
Jigga WHAT NOW? Hold on to your hats ladies, it’s about to get better. Cotton continues:
I know some of you ladies probably think I’m intimidated by your sports knowledge — and I am. Not because I’m afraid you know more than me about sports — because you probably do — but because I don’t want you to be a man. I don’t feel like much of a man already, and I really want to keep what is left of my dignity; and that is very little if you’ve been scoring at home.
Just fix the toilet or something if you need to get your manliness on; no fear for me with that. I’ll bake one of those tasty dinners that I’m known for while you go mow the lawn, take care of that broken door I won’t fix, and maybe put some new tile in the bathroom.
Ladies who love NHL are completely off limits.
So basically what I’m getting from this is that Den Cotton is SO AFRAID of his potentially latent homosexual desires that he’s refusing to date any women that he sees as infringing on that manliest of manly frontiers, the sporting world. God forbid that he be potentially attracted to a woman that likes sports, because obviously to him, she’s going to be “manly,” and the only logical next step from there is all rainbows and pride parades and he can’t be having that as a REAL MAN, can he?
Oh sure, he’ll let us little ladies improve the home in what HE sees as a manly gesture, giving us domain over toilets and lawns and tiles, but hasn’t the “HOME” been the place of females for years now, historically? By ‘giving’ us that right to improve our home, isn’t Cotton really just shoving us back into the little housewife role and taking away our Sports Center rather than enabling us at all?
And just what would Cotton say about a roller derby girl? She’s wearing a little skirt and fishnets, which should obviously make his lower brain (dare I say ONLY brain?) engage, but isn’t it awfully manly of us to go out and think that we can take NHL-worthy hits for the sake of our sport?
Also, I LOVE the painting of all female sports fans as emotionless robots.
Seriously, if you come home and suddenly decide you don’t want to share feelings anymore, I am without question,kicking you out in the street where you can be free to go to the bar for a date with Tom Brady by yourself.
And just what if the feelings I want to share are over a hockey team? I’m positive that I’ve said “Goddammit, I’m so mad the Penguins lost,” and I KNOW that anger is a feeling. Instead of saying “when you don’t want to share feelings, I’m kicking you out” why doesn’t Cotton say the obvious, “I can’t handle a strong intelligent woman who likes and knows about sports because I’m completely insecure about myself and need to feel dominant in relationships.”
Because right now?
I’d rather kiss Danny Briere than touch Den Cotton with a ten foot pole.
Unless, perhaps, it was a ten foot pole crammed up his you-know-what.
(also at Hlog)