(aka this will be incredibly half-assed.)

Someday, I swear, I’m going to successfully be a seat-filler for this.

Who let him do standup? I thought that Leno was bad, but this trumps that by… whoa.

St. Louis is TaHINEY. And doesn’t do the public speaking schtick well, as he’s staring at the teleprompter like it’s going to bite him if he doesn’t.

Pearson to……. Ovechkin, who has to unfold his big sheet of notes to get all the acknowledgments out, but admits to being nervous….

Hi, Ovie! (Hey, if he said hi to us, I should say it back, right?)

Malkin just looks confused… I wonder if he brought Gonchar to translate.

Okay, the cutesey little hockey kids are a little overwhelming. But, thesis-importantly, some of them are female.

Selke to Datsyuk, whos’ face is pretty damn amazingly crooked.

Damn, nobody’s got a good teleprompter face tonight.

King Clancy to….. Lecavalier, who’s cut all his hair off and looks more like Sean Avery than I ever thought was possible. Damn. Please, grow it back so I don’t have to recoil in fear.

Also, who on earth didn’t think “Oh, award show for hockey players, who are mostly 6 foot and above, let’s give them an extra long mic stand?”

Masterson to….. Laing. No, I kid, although he deserved it. I’m hoping Pisani wins so I can yell PISAAAAAAANI a la Knob Hockey.

Of course, as soon as I said that, they gave it to Blake. I suppose cancer is more interesting than a bowel disease anyway. Pshaw.

Laaaaaady Byng. Not going to Ruutu. Instead, going to Datsyuk. Really, in his necklessness, he looks like a cerebral palsy kid I used to teach swimming to.

I love how they’re making a big deal about having “the next faces of the game” on the stage, when they’ve got girls AND boys sitting up there and females aren’t drafted into the NHL. Has nobody realized the ludicrousness of this? For shame, dudes. When you’re not an old-boys club, we can talk.

Oh, Ovie. Tie should not hang out under button of jacket. Also, my boy, you’re so much better at speaking off the top of your head than you are at reading stuff.

Jack Adams to……. (please let it be Boudreau. Please. Come on, hockey gods.) BOUDREAU. Hershey just exploded. I heard it. Srsly. There’s a guy screaming outside the sports bar next door right now and the fire call alert siren just went off.

Calder to…. Patrick Kane. Who looks so very bad-prom in his suit. Is the incessant need to scratch his ear actually code for someone at home? And is the questionable blonde with Backstrom really who he brought? All this and more, next on the NHL awards with Teka.

Booooo hiss, Gary Bettman. Somewhere there’s an inferno with your name on it.

But at least Bettman calls Gordie Howe up for a lifetime achievement award. Come on everyone, you know you want to channel the Hanson Brothers with me… all together now, elbows and all… GORDIE!

Of course, now they’ve stranded the poor guy on stage because Buttman called him up too early. Honestly, who’s stage managing this thing? They lose mad life points for that.

Dear Jarome, Please tell kids stuff. Love, CBC.

Dear Kid, please rehearse next time. Love, the world.

A salute to the Warriors makes me immediately want to go into Tool Time Voice to do “A salute! to Warriors.”

Norris to….. Mike Green and Brooks Orpik, but they have to share. And I’m a liar. Norris actually to……Lidstrom. Yaaaaaawn.

Okay. We need to standardize this. Mahl-kin or Maal-kin?

Vezina to……Brodeur, but more exciting was part of Great Big Sea participating. There should be more drunken hockey shanties. Okay, maybe there should be one to begin with.

OOh, did Brodeur really just take a crack at the quality of his team?

Hart to…….(this is the biggie. Doooo it, Ovechkin. Dooooo it.) Malkin, stop picking at your acne. OVIE WINS!

Honestly, all awards shows should be like this one. Short, sweet, and to the point, end of awards show. Now I just have to pester Caps Chick to let me come see all the hardware if they ever have it on display down there.