Season Rosteroff, Calder Cup Finals ‘09
May 29, 2009 | Filed in: AHL, Manitoba Moose, Uncategorized, calder cup, da b'ars, i think i'm so funny, playoffs


I give you, in honor of the festivities starting on Saturday, theeeeeeeeeee




Round 1: Male Pattern Baldness

Keith Aucoin v. Curtis Sanford

Keith Aucoin and Curtis Sanford are both proudly displaying the lack of hair that comes with their years on this planet. However, while Curtis Sanford has gone full-frontal and obviously believes that his piercing behind-mask-goalie-eyes will distract you from his strange little frontal tuft, Keith Aucoin will tilt his head interpretively and disarm you with friendliness.

Advantage: Sanford. It’s the Male Pattern Baldness round after all. Show it off, Coiner.
Moose 1, Bears 0.

Round 2: Dudes Who Don’t Play:

Stefan Della Rovere v.Tommy Maxwell

As confusing as this round is, with Tommy Maxwell the Ex-Bear and Stefan Della Rovere the Hasn’t-Been-On-The-Team-All-Year-We’re-Using-His-Caps-Picture entry, this boils down to the guy who’s supposedly on the team that you’ve seen play, oh, maybe once. Maxwell’s been playing in South Carolina while Della Rovere’s been riding the pine in Hershey, but that’s irrelevant. This is the rosteroff, and clearly Maxwell not only neglected to bring his foundation to work with him that day but also submitted to horrible hair advice from someone else. I hate to say it, (no I don’t) but he looks like he’s got it pulled half-back 80’s Elementary School Style.

Advantage: Della Rovere, for making an attempt at a facial expression.

Moose 1, Bears 1

Round 3: Frenchies With Hair

Francois Bouchard v. Gulliaume Desbiens v. Matthieu Perrault

Ahhh yes, much as in the THTM Hairoffs of Old, you see a battle of Vertical versus Horizontal here between the Quebecois. Bouchard brings in the length, while Perrault somehow manages length, breadth AND depth. I’m sorry, Desbiens, but it’s just too much for you. Add in the eyebrows and you just didn’t stand a chance.

ADVANTAGE: Bouchard and Perrault. Haven’t lived until you’ve seen that streaming in the breeze down-ice.

Moose 1, Bears 2

Round 4:Token Sorta Ethnic Dude:

Steve Pinizzotto v. Jason Krog

This could either go really well, or devolve into some horrible ethnic jokes and drive away my following. Here goes. Although Steve Pinizzotto looks fully capable of calling a hit out on you, concrete shoes and all, while simultanously enjoying his mother’s spaghetti, Jason Krog… uh… seems to be, uh, possibly Indian? And as such might like the curry at the local… oh fuhgeddabout it. I got nuthin’

Advantage: Pinner, for being easier to stereotype, ya goomba.

Moose 1, Bears 3

Round 5: Engrish as a Second Language:

Michael Neuvrith v. Mario Bliznak

One’s a Czech. One’s a Slovak. One’s a goalie. One could be a freakin’ Gremlin in that roster photo. One has some nicely tidied up eyebrows and is playing the flush-faced little n00b to a tee, and one… looks like a freakin’ Gremlin.

Advantage: Gremlin. I can’t stop laughing about that.

Bears 3, Moose 2

Round 6: Most Excited To Be in the AHL

Karl Alzner v. Corey Schneider

Semi-Irish looking reddish haired kids. Check. Chubby cheeks. Check. Shit-eating grins. Check. Rather large foreheads. Yup, check there too. Angelic lighting halo effect? No? Only one of them? Well, drat. Edgar…. where’d the halo lighting on both of them go? I ordered two Special Halo Lights ™

Advantage: Schneider, for said halo-y lighting effect.

Bears 3, Moose 3

Round 7: Aryan Poster Child

Staffan Kronwall v. Matt Pope

Obviously, the Popester there was hoping for some extra points by showing up in a tie, perhaps KNOWING that Kronwall would look like someone’d just punched him in the nuts and trying to take it the COMPLETE OTHER DIRECTION. However, it just makes him look a little like a tool, and I’d believe I’d seen Kronwall in a marching aisle of Hitler Youth before I ever mistakook Mr Silk Tie for even a socialist.

Advantage: Kronwall. Heil myself…. heil to me…. I’m the (swede) who’s out to change (your) history…

Bears 4, Moose 3

End of First.

TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR ROUNDS 8-14!!!!! Same bat-time, same bat-station!

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